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Journal - Cool things I have that were found on the ground (12-9-25)

People say to always keep your chin up, but in my experience staring at the ground can lead to some interesting finds. I feel like that's been especially true for me recently, which gave me the idea to compile a list of them here:



I found this weird fish(??) keychain on the sidewalk while walking home from the goodwill bins a few months ago. I immediately knew I had to take it and it now lives on my bag!


These are my most recent finds. The labret post I picked up at my college today (it was in a little bag originally) after it had been sitting for at least a week. The bow-shaped bobby pin I found on the ground outside a bar last week which was very exciting because I've never seen anything like it before!


I found the sparkly hair tie at my high school, probably in freshman or sophomore year. I actually don't think I've ever used it but I've kept it anyway. The ring was found by my friend at the same high school but much more recently. It happens to fit me very well. I found the spike in senior year while walking home from school. The star charm I found in elementary school back when I had a charm bracelet! I guess those were pretty popular then.

Honorable Mentions:


These weren't found laying on the ground, but were found nonetheless. The doily was in a free pile I came across while walking at 2 a.m. last week and I felt the urge to put it in my pocket and take it home. The hair clip was sitting on the kitchen counter and caught my attention. I didn't recognize it as part of my sizeable hair clip collection so I asked my grandma where it came from. She said it was likely my 5-year-old cousin's that had been left here. Could I have left it and seen if that was true? Yes. Did I instead take it and add it to my collection? ...Also yes.

Journal 1-5-26

A lot has happened since I last wrote on here. I'm talking to her again. I guess we're together again? We didn't really say definitively. Everything feels okay when I'm with her. But what does the future look like? I can't see it.

I'm sick right now, and have been since New Year's Eve. I spent the turn to the new year with a horrible fever. I managed to take probably the most in-depth shower I've ever taken earlier that evening, though. I'm feeling a lot better physically at this point. Emotionally, not so much. I think I've split at least 3 times today. So many times I've wanted to say horrible things to her or push her away completely just to feel in control. I want to cry constantly. I keep tearing up for a second, which I guess is about as much as my body is capable of. Last night I cut my hair, so it's short now. It was tangled and greasy and it bothered me too much. I hate feeling dirty. It's even worse now because it reminds me of the hospital, being unable to get properly clean.

I was high all through the holidays, partly for anxiety and partly so I could eat. I managed to gain a bit of weight that way but I've lost it all since getting sick. I couldn't finish anything today. Everything is so nauseating and barely appealing. My clothes feel looser than I remember. I'm trying to make myself eat more but I can't deny that it brings me some peace to be stuck underweight. I've been age regressing a lot, too. I feel very unsafe and abandoned all the time. This is why I hate getting sick so much. I can't manage my mental health at all if I'm stuck in my room with next to nothing to do, especially right now. I feel like vomiting all the time and it's just from anxiety.

I went through IOP since I last wrote here, too. I hated my case manager. She didn't seem to understand what I was saying most of the time. I had to leave early a few times from how irritated I got sitting there. But now I have appointments with a therapist and a psychiatrist, so I guess it's worth it. I got off the antidepressant (such a dumb prescription) and started taking the antipsychotic I was prescribed forever ago instead. I can't really tell if it's working but I think I'm hallucinating less? And the mania has fizzled out, I think. I guess I just have to wait. I guess that's all I can ever do. I really don't know what I'm looking forward to anymore.

Journal 12-16-25

I got home the other day from the hospital. I've been feeling very manic since I got out, probably because of the medication they put me on for major depressive disorder, which I don't have. I'm back down to the lowest weight I've been though my appetite has come back somewhat (again, probably due to the medication). It's bittersweet but I guess it should only be bitter. I lost that cool bow-shaped bobby pin. Somehow I had a feeling it wouldn't stay with me for long even when I first found it. I also lost my favorite pair of shoes (the Michael Kors black leather platform loafers, best thrift find of all time) to the apparently very disorganized hospital.

Right now I'm watching Obsession (random library dvd choice) and working on a beaded bracelet for my aunt. Both nights since I've been home I've taken everything showers. It's theraputic after feeling scared to shower in the hospital + only having tiny paper cups of soap for hygeine. I cried a couple times while I was in there. Again, bittersweet.. It's nice to have the ability back but the circumstances aren't ideal. I'm re-dying my bangs green. I might bleach some stripes in my hair too but I don't know if that will fuck my hair (It's probably fine....).

Grandma and I went to Dollar Tree today for wrapping paper, I got some bath bombs and one of the small ultra fantsay ruby red monsters (not a great idea in hindsight since my heart rate has been super high when upright ever since I got sick on the second day at the hospital + it only amplifies the mania). We went to a yarn store to look around and then Walgreens for candy canes and saline rinse too. I've been wanting a cool-toned dark brown lip liner for a while and we looked through the Walgreens makeup but pretty much everything is too warm.

Just before I left the hospital I was talking with some other people and got a mind/body/soul tarot reading. I don't remember it exactly but the gist of it was that I'm in a transitional phase, going towards better things, an emphasis on travel. I remember the emporer reversed for my soul. Something about possessiveness and dominance. Maybe needing to step into that role more. I'm not sure but I know it resonated. I've never had a reading not resonate. I've no idea if that's just the open-ended nature of it or real magic. It doesn't really matter which one it is though.

Jared wants me to contact him. I've been blowing him off for two weeks straight so that's fair. I'm just not sure if I should or not. IOP starts tomorrow morning. I still feel so lost. I guess sometimes that's necessary.

Journal 12-9-25

I found a labret post in a little bag on the stairs at college last week and today it was still there so I took it. I don't know the gauge size or what metal it's made of, nor do I have a top for it, but maybe I can use it somehow. I think I may re-attempt my right side third lobe tonight. Crazy to say it's healthier for me to poke a hole in my body than text someone. I thought the mixed episode I seem to be in might have been coming to a close but I think I was wrong. I managed to eat today but it was still nausea-inducing. It'll be nice when I can eat and sleep easily without weed again, though it's comforting in it's own messed up way. Anyway, I've still been splitting a lot. Pretty badly. I controlled myself last night and it was still a wreck. Blocked on two of three main platforms of communication. I probably deserved it but it's hard for me to tell.

Thinking about using self-piercing as an alternative to self-destruction (and others-destruction) reminded me of Jet (Jett?). I remember sitting on our parallel beds and him showing me all his stick and poke tattoos. I myself had just poked the star into my thumb. I remember his Bojack Horseman and his weird alien guy. He told me it was his alternative to self harm. I was younger than him I think. He'd been through more shit than I had at that point. I think back then I still kind of believed I was making everything up. In some way I think that was comforting, that I could just let it all go someday. But with every year that passes it becomes clearer to me that's not true. Still, I forget everything bad. I wonder how I could be the kind of person who only gets to be this way through severe trauma, how I could wind up with "severe" diagnoses. It doesn't feel like any of it's really that severe. But I guess it's all subjective.

In other news, I watched The Breakfast Club tonight. I've actually been going in the living room lately and watching movies with my grandparents. I started crocheting again. I'm okay at it but still not great. I had my drawing final today so the semester is over for me which means even more time to fill with hobbies to keep me from freaking out. I really don't care about anything right now but I can't stay still. I guess the best art happens when you don't care too much though. Sometimes it's good to not have an ego.

And yeah, she still occupies all my thoughts. Damn I miss you.